Who am I when I’m not performing?

I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember.

Sacrificed my time when I knew I didn’t have enough for myself only to see it be beneficial for the other person. Pushing myself to the side to see others happy. Avoid conflict to not raise any tension or potentially hurt to the other person’s feeling.

 until I got tired of the performance.

Smiling and blocking emotions to avoid the feeling of being a burden, to show no signs of being angry or upset. Scared to be perceived as anything other than great.

but I never wanted to perform. and yet it always felt like a duty I had to complete to keep the peace. In my mind, people had the right to the “perfect version of me” but in return all I received was an applause. 

just that a clap for being a woman who is always kind, always smiling, rarely gets angry and always is reliable. and i have been just that, Until the performance started to shatter my perception of me and the mask that I was wearing finally had cracked.

I finally had to start seeing through my own reflection and realized that I was more than just a vessel being perceived or measured by my worth. My life isn’t a performance and this persona that was once on display, isn’t fully me. Accepting that the girl who suffers within me is a young and vibrant yet is fighting the fear of abandonment, shaking off the feeling of burden and shame. 

I feared loss of connection so I did anything and everything to keep it.

I feared being the burden so I kept my emotions within.

I stayed quiet to avoid conflict because I didn’t want to be the equivalent of chaos.

but getting to this conclusion meant having to face myself. That meant..

No more fake smiles

No fake joy

But Feeling rage when it arises

allowing myself to feel weird when i can’t explain what im feeling instead ignoring it or masking over it.

Feeling frustrated when im frustrated!

And feeling the loss of control to learn how to pivot instead breaking down. All of the emotions I deemed to be avoidable until I couldn’t hold the mask up anymore. 

Looking into the mirror and learning the uncomfortable sides of me instead of standing on a stage helped me get closer to who I am when I am not performing, and I love her! She is whimsical, loud, sensitive, and unapologetic. 

I know I am naturally a joyous person, I do love smiling and giggling all damn day. But now i’m learning the balance of who am i when I’m in argument and feel unheard or uncomfortable.

simply understanding Who am I when i have to say no to someone Or who am I when I have to set my own priorities first?

To be quite honest I’m still intentionally working on finding out who i am and how to stop feeling the need to perform due to years of people pleasing but starting with asking myself simple questions like

“ who is septina if she allows herself to feel fully, no restriction and what does that look like? It is a start.

Setting boundaries with no shame or guilt.

Helping when i can and not when i feel i must.

Expressing my emotion without the worries of being perceived.

They are small steps but make a huge difference on how you get closer to being authentically you.

I highly recommend everyone to ask yourself two questions: Who am I when I’m not performing? And what is the one thing that can I do to get closer to the most authentic version of myself? 

My answer is meditation, getting to a clear vision of the exact version of myself I desire and adore and setting small boundaries. 

Thank You so much for reading the latest post! Thank you so much for still hanging out with ECHO. I know I have been M.i.a for some time but i will get into those juicy topics soon and keep you updated on some really fun things that are happening soon. see you on tuesday 🙂